SEXUALITY, SPIRITUALITY AND RELIGIOUS EDUCATION
by Ann Barker, DRE
Fox Valley Unitarian Universalist Fellowship
2600 E. Philip Lane P.O. Box 1791
Appleton, WI 54912-1791
(920) 731-0849
E-mail: dre@fvuuf.org
A Reading from Letters to my Son by Kent Nerburn
"We are neither animals nor angels. We are something else—we are humans—part spiritual and part physical, and those two parts are combined into one. A true sexuality acknowledges both these dimensions and tries to embrace them both in the act of love.
You need to accept this in yourself. Having sex is what the animals do. Achieving mystical union is what the angels do. We alone can make love, where the physical and the spiritual commingle in a single, joyous act."
A Reading from Soulmates: Honoring the Mysteries of Love and Relationship by Thomas Moore
"Sex asks something of us. It can be the means through which we allow the archetype of life to show itself, so that we live more fully and manifest ourselves more transparently. This demand is so central and powerful that our resistances to it are also strong—our moralism, indirection, rationalization, and acting out. It would help if we would stop thinking of sex as in the lightest way medical or biological. The whole sphere of sex—emotion, body, fantasy, and relationship—falls within the domain of soul."
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I was up early that morning, dressed and ready to begin a summer intensive class at the Lancaster Theological Seminary, a seminary of the United Church of Christ. Owing to a flexible work schedule I was able to take this class, jump in my car, and be at the nursing home in time to start work at 1:00PM, eating lunch on the way. This was one class I didn't want to miss. It would be directly addressing several of the key issues with which many denominations were struggling. It was a topic of profound interest to all persons. Notice of this class had been sent not only to the seminary community, but also to all the clergy in the Lancaster area. Because it was such a vital topic, I was sure the class would be packed.
I arrived at the seminary well before the appointed hour, coffee mug in hand, so that I could get a front row seat in what was sure to be a crowded room. That's always an issue for short people, you know. I watched the clock as the minutes slipped by and began to get that sinking feeling you get when you think you may be in the wrong place, on the wrong day, or at the wrong time. No one else had arrived. I checked my schedule. I had the right place, day and time, but no fellow students. With just minutes to spare a few others entered the room, then a few more. Finally, our two professors arrived. In all, we were a group of fourteen. I couldn't believe there was so little interest in this important class, Ministering in Matters of Sexuality. There we were, twelve students willing to engage this topic of such importance to ourselves and those we hoped to serve in ministry, and two dedicated instructors willing to guide us into the murky waters of human sexuality, its role in the spiritual journey, and the potential dangers of the this journey.
If truth be told, I pretty much failed the first class. The opening assignment was to gather in gender specific groups and, with the modeling materials provided, sculpt the reproductive organs of the other gender. I was a bit envious of the group next to mine; they had a nurse on their team. My group did pretty well with the basics, but some of the internal "plumbing" was beyond our understanding. I knew at that moment this would be a challenging class. After all, I had been married for twenty-five years and was the mother of a son, and I didn't know all the parts of the male reproductive system. When I left class that day I wondered what other surprises were in store for me.
Daily we were required to submit a journal page that would be reviewed by both instructors and returned to us with margin notes. Once I understood the integrity with which the journal pages were reviewed, I decided I would take the risk to enter into the deeper parts of my inner being. I wrote my thoughts, reactions, and discoveries in prayer form on those pages. I addressed the entries to Amma, mother God, and poured out my feelings about being a woman, a lesbian, a partner, and a mother. I struggled with questions raised by the material, wounds from the past, anger about injustices, and my own current personal pain in those journal pages. I received compassionate and helpful observations from the professors.
During those three weeks we covered a lot of territory very quickly, looking at human sexual development beginning in the womb, gender identity development, human reproduction and reproductive choice, sexuality in the Jewish and Christian Bibles, homosexuality in church and society, sexuality and violence, and clergy misconduct in regard to sexuality. There was discussion about the fact that our society may be one of the most sexually repressive in history leading to widespread ignorance, misinformation, and secretiveness. Yet, in this same culture, sex is used to sell everything from toothpaste to underwear. No wonder sexuality is such a confusing issue for so many people. We read several texts books, watched videos, had the benefit of guest lecturers and discussed these issues passionately with each other.
Most importantly, each of us had the honor of entering into some very private space in the lives of the others. One classmate shared that the class had caused him to look with clearer vision at issues in his marriage. His wife and he agreed it was important to deal with those issues before he entered ordained ministry. We listened as another classmate shared his painful struggle within the Church of the Brethren to enter ordained ministry as an openly gay man living with HIV. Several students recalled the reaction of members of the seminary community to their announcement they were taking the sexuality class. Not living on campus I was unaware of the suspicion, ridicule, and open hostility some seminarians had expressed for the class and anyone who was taking it. I had been oblivious to the courage it had taken for some people to even show up that first Monday morning. Newly thrust into the closet as a lesbian, the class helped me begin to peek out the door toward the possibilities of a new life, very different from my twenty-five year marriage. We learned about human vulnerability as we became aware of a few class members who refused to engage at a personal level and seemed to be voyeurs into the lives of those of us committed to openness and honesty.
I have enjoyed, learned from, and grown in many classes. This class was literally transformative for me. The class provided the arena for deep engagement with profound and personal issues of being a fully embodied human person of faith. We were challenged by the diversity of religious traditions and personal spiritualities within the group. Three members of the class gave me insight into that strange tribe called Unitarian Universalist. One of the UU women talked of her Dream Catcher earrings as a metaphor for her future ministry. You know, that interdependent web thing, wherein any movement in one part of the web causes movement in the whole web. I didn't understand then; I do now. Often I feel that web moving with each new change in understanding of the spiritual journey. It was also a difficult experience with moments of fear, revulsion, pain, compassion and understanding. It was an experience I feel privileged to have had. It is an experience I would hope for every person on his or her life journey.
Seven years ago, when I came here as DRE, I was both excited and intimidated by the About Your Sexuality program that had been part of this denomination's and this congregation's life for many years. Written in the 1970's the program was straightforward, graphic and secular. I was not totally comfortable with every piece of the curriculum. I did appreciate its intent and understood the high investment of the people of this community in providing current, accurate, and comprehensive sexuality education to adolescents within the context of a caring and supportive faith community. I learned that other curricula such as Haunting House also dealt with human reproduction, body image, and gender identity. The Coming of Age program contains a component where males and females are separated for gender specific discussion and ritual. I was pleased to be part of an educational process that I knew could open minds, touch hearts, and be life transformative in very positive ways.
As input was sought for the development of the Our Whole Lives curriculum, I had the opportunity to discuss some of my concerns and observations with the UUA staff in Boston. They engaged in a process of listening well to the needs and concerns of the Association's congregations and religious educators as they created this lifespan sexuality education curriculum. The production of OWL is a collaborative venture between the United Church of Christ and Unitarian Universalist Association that resulted in a comprehensive sexuality education program for both denominations. It has, for most UU congregations, replaced the valued but outdated AYS program.
For the next few minutes I would like to define what comprehensive sexuality education is, what its goals are, and why I believe such a curriculum is valuable to the children, youth, and adults within this faith community.
Comprehensive sexuality education understands sexuality as an essential part of every person that affects identity, relationships, and intimacy throughout life. It provides a time to learn about an extraordinarily rich and complex area of human behavior, an opportunity to better understand sexuality and self, and space for growth beyond present limits and concerns. It is developmentally appropriate providing age appropriate sexuality education across the lifespan. Discussion ranges across topics such as sexual development, reproductive health, interpersonal relations, affection, intimacy, body image, sexual orientation and gender roles. Such education respects the diversity of values and beliefs within the community. It is designed to help the participants shape and articulate their values, build strong relationships, and learn to act responsibly
Comprehensive sexuality education within a faith community understands sexuality as positive and special, a gift from God, an expression of the sacred, or a natural, healthy part of life. The sacred writings of many religious traditions deal in very life-giving ways with human sexuality and point clearly to the strong bond between a healthy sense of sexuality and of a healthy spirituality.1
Its goals are clear and well articulate:
What is the place of sexuality education within this faith community? At this moment I hope I can have your undivided attention. One of the most important reasons for this congregation to have invested so much in the OWL curriculum is that we believe that as parents are the most important religious educators, parents are the most important sexuality educators for their children. Our entire children and youth RE program is built on the premise that parents have both the right and the responsibility to be the primary formative influence for their children. Everything we do in our children and youth RE program is designed to help parents with their task of shaping the development of their children. We understand our program to be a resource for parents in guiding their children on life's path. Always, the decision about which programs their children will take part in is a parental decision.
We also understand that each individual, of whatever age she or he may be, is on his or her own unique spiritual journey in life. We gather together as a community to nurture and support each other on that spiritual journey. Our adult programming is designed to provide intellectual motivation, accurate and useful knowledge, and interaction with others on the journey. Each member of the community decides what programming will aid them on the path they have chosen for themselves. Again, the community is a resource for life and growth.
I could read you a lot of statistics based on academic studies that demonstrate the importance and effectiveness of sexuality education programs. These studies suggest that sexuality education results in later onset of sexual activity, use of appropriate contraception, and practices that reduce the risk of sexually transmitted disease. Youth who participate in such programs report healthy positive attitudes and values regarding sexuality.
Instead, I like to tell you a story about the value of sexuality education and why it needs to start early and continue throughout life. This story happens to be true and based on an event in the recent past. It happened when a teacher of the K-1 Haunting House curriculum called me to say that no one was available to teach the class on the coming Sunday. The lesson from the curriculum was on human reproduction, specifically the first human home, the womb. Rather than ask a sub to take the class, I decided to do it myself. I carefully read the lesson and chose a book that included a narrative about a young girl whose mom is going to have a baby. There were lovely pictures of the family involved in various activities and the mom in various stages of her pregnancy. On each facing page was a picture of a human fetus at corresponding developmental phases. I decided I would read the little girl's story and make brief references to the developmental pictures.
I introduced the topic by saying we would be talking about our very first home, our mother's womb. One little girl in the class, with great drama, announced that she was going to faint. I assured her that I did not think she would faint and we began the story. As I read along the children became more and more interested in the developing fetus, marveling at the tiny fingers, toes, and face. They moved a little closer to get a good look at the pictures. I did my best to explain this unfolding miracle, all the while conscious of the fact that the class assistant for the day is a biology professor.
Suddenly, from somewhere, came the awesome question. How did the baby get in the womb in the first place? I glanced at Nancy, who smiled back serenely. Taking a big gulp, I related the facts as simply as I could, using the medically correct names for the male and female anatomical parts involved in reproduction. Several little hands covered giggling mouths. I went on to explain that people talk with ease about hands and feet, fingers and toes, noses and ears. It's also okay to talk about the special parts of human bodies involved in having a baby I told them. I also stressed that it is important that they ask their parents what words their family uses and where and when it's okay to use them. We talked briefly about families who may have a baby differently than other families, such as by artificial insemination or by adopting a baby born to someone else. We talked about the worth and dignity of all persons and that in this Fellowship we think that adding a baby to a family, however that happens, is a beautiful thing.
Parents of the children had been informed of the class topic and when they came to pick up their children several asked to see the materials I had used in the class. Everyone seemed comfortable with what we had done. I was delighted that I had been proved right; no one had fainted, including myself.
The next day I spoke with the mother of the girl who thought she would faint. Her mother explained that recently she had come home and stated she was never going to get married. It seems one of her little friends had explained to her that she knew all about what happens when a man and a woman get married. She announced that they get naked in bed and say disgusting things to each other. Remember, these are six year olds. The friend had already formed a negative impression of human sexuality and was passing it on. Fortunately, our little class member has an open relationship with her mom and they could discuss the information she had received. Mom could reframe the information to reflect a positive and life affirming understanding of male/female relationships. The RE class provided another opportunity for her to learn about the worth and dignity of all persons and the dignity of human relationships. Six years old is not to soon to begin this education in our society.
I could tell you many more stories about my experiences with older adults struggling with their sexuality into the seventh, eighth, and ninth decades of life. I remember many clients who shared intimate concerns about living a whole life after the death of a lifelong partner. Others struggled with serious issues in their decades old marriages or faced questions around the bias of their adult children that they were asexual beings. I remember a client who spoke of being sexually abused by his parish priest and his helpless rage when he confided the incident to his mother. She had punished him further for "lying" about the priest. The pain was still palpable ninety years after the incident. This gentleman was 101 years old. We are never too old to look at the issues of our sexuality in the context of our current reality.
We become sexual beings from our conception and we remain sexual, sensual and spiritual beings until our death. Our formation as whole human persons begins with our first discoveries of ourselves as reflected in those around us, continues as we explore our embodiedness in our developing capabilities, and matures as we pass through the many stages of life. This Fellowship seeks to provide support, accurate and current information and spiritual nurture to all members of the community on their religious, spiritual and sexual journey as persons. A primary means of accomplishing this is the introduction, over the next couple of years, of the entire OWL curriculum. We have already used the junior high component twice, with great success. Next year we will offer the adult component that will allow members to enhance their own understanding of this material and become familiar with the curriculum format. By the following year, I would hope we are able to utilize all the components that include sessions for K-1 children, 4/6 grade children and senior high youth. As I emphasized earlier, every family will chose for themselves whether their child is ready to participate in the program. Our hope is that every individual and every family will utilize this resource to help themselves and their children become embodied persons of faith, living out their own values and norms with a healthy respect for diversity and justice.
Copyright © 2002 by Ann L. Barker. All rights reserved
1. Adapted from The Advocacy Manual for Sexuality Education, Health and Justice. Edited by Sarah Gibb. Boston and Cleveland: The Unitarian Universalist Association and United Church Board for Homeland Ministries, 1999. .
2. Richard S. Kimball. Our Whole Lives Sexuality Education for Adults. Boston and Cleveland: The Unitarian Universalist Association and United Church Board for Homeland Ministries, 1999.
Bibliography
Frediani, Judith A. Sexuality and Our Faith: A Companion to Our Whole Lves for Adults. Boston: Unitarian Universalist Association and United Church Board for Homeland Ministries, 2000.
Gibb, Sarah, Ed. The Advocacy Manual for Sexuality Education, Health and Justice. Boston: Unitarian Universalist Association and United Church Board for Homeland Ministries, 1999.
Mollenkott, Virginia Ramey. Sensuous Spirituality. New York: The Crossroads Publishing Company, 1992
Timmerman, Joan H. Sexuality and Spiritual Growth . New York: The Crossroad Publishing Company, 1992.